March 2010
162 posts
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“You look like the Fourth of July! Ooh, makes me want a hot dog real bad…”
– Paulette, from Legally Blonde 2
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Needs More Sax: A Memoir
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Free Parking For Hairflips: A Memoir
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You Can Even Use It over Your Head: A Memoir
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Get In Loser We’re Going Shopping: A Memoir
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I Have to Stay on the Bus Forever: A Memoir
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And Put It In This: A Memoir
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This Cake Tastes Like Citronella: A Memoir
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We Shouldn’t Be Screaming: A Memoir
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headline
Retarded Mom Makes Time For Teenagers
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“I’m sure that being shot is exactly like being jabbed with a bullet by a...”
– Ryan La Sala, after I jabbed him with a bullet in West Hartford Estate Buys
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[Ryan La Sala lays a pile of clothes on the Salvation Army counter]
Jose: Get those ugly clothes AWAY from me!
Me: But he can pull them off.
Jose: Maybe in National Geographic!
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“don’t mean 2 b rude but do u eat ass”
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“Stephen, why won’t you call me?”
– Kesha
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Jose: $2.99
Me: What? That's it?
Jose: SHH
Me: — that's now how much —
Jose: JUST SHUT UP OK YOU GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY JOB
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“I could write my memoir at this desk.”
– Ryan St. Pierre-Hetz, running his hands along a secretary at Puritan Furniture
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“Don’t let the puppy people see you stretching their weiner dog.”
– Ryan St. Pierre-Hetz
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“Here’s jumpstart, and here’s my life. OM NOM NOM NOM NOM”
– Me
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“WE ARE IN COLONIAL TIMES.”
– Re-enactors in Downtown Crossing
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“If I cook you a nice meal and you fill yourself with bread, I am going to give...”
– Mme. Miles
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“Oh, I see what you are doing. You are going to complicate my life.”
– Mme. Loiza Miles
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Me: Why do lighters have a divider in the compartment?
Matt Sylva: [inspects] So you can play with it. Duh.
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“GODDAMMIT! WHERE’S MY BIBLE?!”
– Anna Siembor
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Ryan St. Pierre-Hetz: [tumbles out of bathroom, pants undone] There are ghosts! In the bathroom! GHOSTS! The towel whipped me in the face! Omg.
Ryan La Sala and me: Goats?
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Ryan Hetz's Facebook status: "I feel like someone is naked." – Melinda Eller
Gracie Goodhew's comment: It's me.
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“Michelle, shut up. You smell like a bird’s nest. I love you.”
– Ryan St. Pierre-Hetz
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“You know that old-people smell? It’s like a combination of Ben-Gay and,...”
– Me, to Matt Sylva
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“Good luck finding a tray. There is a tray strike today.”
– Me, Ryan Hetz, anyone, everyone
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“Pain like fire!”
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“It could be … a long, laughing, rambling phone message in which every...”
– Unnamed narrator. “This person,” from No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July
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“I walked down the hall and saw that Theresa was sitting on the floor next to a...”
– Unnamed narrator. “It Was Romance,” from No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July
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“We was not playin’!”
– Shatell “Poptart” Maddrey (via Andy Carlson)
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Me: Smell this perfume. But just waft it.
Andy: [pauses, then waves perfume towards face] I had to go back to 11th grade chemistry to remember how to do that.
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Chris Improta: You have black coffee?
Me: I don't discriminate.
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“Any true gay man would be attracted to you.”
– Andy Carlson
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Me: This tastes like leaves.
Smartly dressed woman with name tag: [Sharply] What does?
Me: The infused water.
Woman: [Scrutinizes me for a beat, squinting, nodding thoughtfully, and then turns on her heel to walk away.]
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Me: Look, different geese.
Andy: Let's go harrass them. They have a higher tolerance level.
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HAHAHA WHO DID THIS OMG →
“princess amidala has jet lag (and an awesome bunny poster)”
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We just got kicked out of Stetty East
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Ryan St. Pierre-Hetz: Why is everyone being so mean to us?
Me: Welcome to the blue line.
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“Bad acting!”
– Woman at Revere Beach, commenting on our skipping
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“I just watched your life flash before my eyes.”
– Me, to a punk-ass kid who assaulted my camera on the blue line
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“This is the most hostile day I’ve ever had. Revere Beach, I love you but...”
– Ryan St. Pierre-Hetz
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“Your dick’s hard!”
– Me, then everyone, to Ryan Hetz
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“You’re gay!”
– Boy in a white SUV speeding past me, Andy, and the Ryans
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“You know what? Fuck you, I feel like a million bucks. And I happen to be shaped...”
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Me: [wearing a string of silver beads] Is this too much?
Ryan St- Pierre-Hetz: No, that is actually very subtle for you. It could be a lobster.
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“Geez, I feel so good at cutting right now.”
– Andy Carlson, swiftly and expertly dicing half a chicken breast in Stetson East
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“You’re gonna help me lose weight. When we go to the dining hall and I get...”
– Ryan St. Pierre-Hetz
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“The world is waking up again but we haven’t even gone to bed.”
– Sid Phadnis 